Scott Eric Kaufman: If You Smear My Grammar at Least Edit Your F**KED UP Prose and Use Spell Check

Apparently, Scott Eric Kaufman actually holds a Ph.D. in the "Philosophy of English." Don't know if he actually holds an academic position. He can't write for shit, so it'd be no surprise if he's unemployed.

I'm block-quoting his entire post at Lawyers, Guns and Money, just in case he decides to proofread later and make corrections in a belated attempt to appear less an asshole than he is. See, "Phony Political Scientist Sees Morons at Fake Indepedence Hall and is Impressed":

With all apologies to J.D. Salinger, I can't resist reading Donald Douglas's account of a Michele Bachmann event at Knott's Berry Farm in Holden Caulfield's terms. This is contemporary conservatism boiled to the bone: some morons convince of a phony of their patriotism by speaking before a replica of an actual American institution. Douglas's photo-essay captures what history signifies when you subscribe to Tea Party logic even more starkly than those fake patriots who demonstrate their solidarity with the Founding Fathers by showing up at rallies with tea-bags.

Did I say rallies? I meant "sparsely-attended speeches by purported conservative celebrities in the most conservative county in the country," because as Douglas's own photos attest, David Horowitz and Michele Bachmann have little drawing power within spitting distance of the birth place of Richard Nixon. Not that Douglas would care, mind you, because he can't tear his authentic eyes away from all the ersatz history. Even his grammar becomes ambiguous in the presence of all this fakery:

As you can see, the park's Independence Hall is an exact replica of the original historic landmark in Philadelphia, PA. Both the Declaration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution were signed there.

The Decleration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution were signed in Knott's Berry Farm's Independence Hall? According to Knott's Berry Farm, they most certainly were:

Douglas then produces:

[a] shot of the [Knott's Berry Farm's replica of the] bell's famous crack.

The faked crack on the fake Liberty Bell is famous? All morons hate it when their grammar reveals that they're morons.

Not that it's just the grammar, as his caption to this picture demonstrates: "[t]he sweeties at the gift counter, in 18th century dress." If you press your ear against the monitor, you can almost hear him declaiming: "That is too an authentic 18th century windbreaker!" But perhaps the best part of Douglas's account is the definitive evidence that Tea Party patriots don't know from English. He notes that Michele Bachmann

came to California straight from Washington and the last night's SOTU. She reminded the crowd that this time last year the big talk was Joe Wilson's "you lie," while this week it's Samuel Alito's "not true," and she turned that into a little chant to fire up the patriots in attendence.

If that chant sounds like Douglas suggests it does—"You lie! Not true! You lie! Not true!"—then those patriots sure told Joe Wilson a thing or two.

I guess quite a few folks have a problem with historical replicas, but you might notice that when SEK quotes and ridicules he omits the hyperlinks. For example, with reference to Philadelphia's Independence Hall, the link (and thus context) is at my original passage: "Both the Declaration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution were signed there." That's "signed there," as in Pennsylvania, yo!

Besides that, how's this for a piece of F**KED UP writing? "This is contemporary conservatism boiled to the bone: some morons convince of a phony of their patriotism by speaking before a replica of an actual American institution."

If "convince" is being used as a verb, it needs to precede an object. For example, "This is contemporary conservatism boiled to the bone: some morons convince OTHERS of a phony ... patriotism by speaking before a replica of an actual American institution."

(And from Aaron Baker's comment at the post, "Could you please unjumble 'some morons convince of a phony of their patriotism' for us?")

And while I don't normally stress typos and misspelled words, if someone's going to smear me with dishonest distortions of my grammar, they might as well at least use a spell-checker: "The Decleration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution were signed in Knott's Berry Farm's Independence Hall?"

Never said that, Scott. But your "Decleration of Independence" is priceless.

You're in good company, in any case. See "The Moral Abomination of Robert Farley."

P.S. I personally think Charli Carpenter has demeaned herself by joining LGM as a co-blogger.